Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
