They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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