Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
