Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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