Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The uberlube is also flammable
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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