It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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