I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
