Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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