If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i've created a new STD.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize