I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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