so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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