i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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