Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
