I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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