I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
