I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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