Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i came on her dog
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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