I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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