I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
