hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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