btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
