Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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