the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
