one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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