you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
