Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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