I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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