Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
