There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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