I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
