Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
