he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
