If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
