Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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