I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize