today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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