just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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