Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
