I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
