i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
