Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
