I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize