woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I understand Curling. That high.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
