There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
