i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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