why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
