everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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