he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
