No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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