im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
