I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize