the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
