I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
