You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize