kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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