every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
