just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
