There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
